My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
