So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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