Can i not drive my cunt home
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
