You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Randomize
