did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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