He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
