The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
