Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
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