I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
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