It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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