What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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