omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Randomize
