My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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