sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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