My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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