I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
