After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
there is glitter all over my balls
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