you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
