come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
