Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
