I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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