so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
