Ambien. No doubt about it.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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