I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Randomize
