Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
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I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
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I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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