I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
