I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
