I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
