There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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