I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
