The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
