dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
