I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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