Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
