I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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