I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
