true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Randomize
