Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
