If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
