i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
