I hate your face
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
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