Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Randomize
