uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
