Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
