Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
