im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
