Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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