I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
