I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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