Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
