I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
