Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Randomize
