ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
