your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
