If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
