This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
