shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
