I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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